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[25 Oct 2007|10:09pm] |
Oct. 25, 2007
The last time I posted anything here was 17 weeks ago when times was tough and for 17 weeks, it was a wonderful time. At that moment, life was still simple and I seem to be a lot more optimistic than now. Ever day I look into my life and my goals then I question myself so much. I have no idea where to begin because everyone seems to expect so much from me and I am only one person. I know my folks expect me to try my hardest and let faith handle the rest, but sometimes it's a lot more easier said than done. Even if I did try my best, I feel degraded. I try hard and my results just smack my face hard again and again. I look around me and everyone seems to be acing everything! Am I jealous and influenced by the green-eyed monster? I hate to admit this but I am. My mind is running and running similar to tires burning till it disintegrates. I sometimes hate myself for this gift I have and I don't know if I should even call this a gift. Fine arts and a pair of steady hands, this is my gift and I find my talent to be useless. What good could I do with these skills I have? I am not brilliant like the geniuses, not intelligent in math or science, and my grammar is worse compared to a talking donkey. How could I possibly describe about myself? I am too naive and I believe this is my archilles' heel, I care for my friends a lot and my family to the point that I would do things for them and take the blame if I must, I am shy although I try to be loud to hide my true self, at home I'm lonely, and I am lost. I lost very important things in my life and I miss all of them dearly. I want to help others, but I'm not smart nor rich to help anyone. If I can't help myself, how can I help others? I don't know what to do with my life after high school because it has become my shelter. The place I loath the most has become my safety blanket. Ironic, isn't?
I feel safe writing this even though anyone can read this, but the chances of anyone reading this would be so low, since non of my friends go on anymore, so I really care less and if anyone does read this, welcome to my life because this is how it sounds so far. Pretty messed up? I know it is and I admit that I am insecure about my future.
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[22 Jun 2007|03:07am] |
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It's been a while and I should be asleep, however, I'm not. Boy, I miss you a lot and it would be my dream to see you again, if only you knew. I can't stand looking at your photos anymore because it saddens me deeply to know that the real you will never come back. I hate coming home because I see you everywhere and it's as if I'm losing part of myself. This must sound crazy to admit that part of myself is missing because of a dog, but you're not. Oh no, you aren't just a dog. How could I even think like that? No, you're my closest friend and I will cherish you in my mind and memories till I see you again. They say animals have no soul, yet I disagree. If animals and other objects die and their life just disappear, then why are they created? It contradicts everything that I've learned from a young age, but why are these living creatures created? Are they created for our entertainment or do they have an importance just like humans? I don't know, but I do believe this and that is if animals are created for entertainment, than that is just wrong and selfish. I love and respect you. I won't ever see you like an object and that I will promise forever even till my death bed. When I had you with me, I felt happy and content. All the high school dramas didn't matter to me as much because when I return home, you're there waiting for me since I've left for school. Now that you're gone, I have to face it alone. I know, if everyone went through and delt with these troubling times, then so can I. I'll try to be optimistic but it's so challenging. I'll imagine you with me every step at a time because sometimes that's the only way I can move forward. I won't be depress because if I was, then you'll bark and bite me to snap out of it or lick and wag your cotton ball tail of yours. I love you and I'll miss you. You'll be in my dreams, my mind, my memories, my heart, and my soul. Till that day when I finally see you again, you will always be part of me. I'll always love you unconditionally. I love you, Timbit.
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[12 Jun 2007|01:48am] |
Everyday you have to take a step,
Whether rain or shine,
we all had to keep going without a sound of a whine,
but man o man,
Everyday seemed to get worse,
As every step you took,
You'd fell closer to hell.
All these days,
You wonder why,
Why is it me?
Why am I always stuck here?
You'd hide and cry and cry,
But it's not because you're a coward,
it's because you're just lost.
You don't know who to turn to.
Friends you thought you could count on were gone,
With everything spiraling down,
all is black and white,
You'd lose your hope and wish you were never born.
But if you look past all this,
if only you do,
you'd realize how special you really are,
we're different,
we're all different.
We all deserve as much as the next person beside you or even more,
so there isn't really a point to be sad,
because at the end we're all beautiful.
Just remember to look around you,
you're not alone because we're all connected,
so just look out your tiny hole,
cause there's old and new friends waiting to give you a hand.
We're never alone,
so why hide?
If one is in trouble,
everyone is there for you.
That's why even if hell throws me more drama then I can handle,
I'll keep loving my life,
because I know there's people out there,
hence why I love my friends.
Yeah this isn't really a poem. I was attempting to, but it went against what I wanted. I would have to lie, if I've said that I didn't make any new, close friends. The year is ending in couple of days, and as I look back, all I can say is FRICK THAT'S INSANE. The drama has left a dent in me for a bit, but I'm going to shake that off for good. There is no point for anyone going back and trying to kill each other. I've learned that. I know I would love to take it out on some people, however, what good would that bring? Would that take away the past that I would love to forget? I highly doubt. A year of high school is left now, so let's make the best out of it and let go our problems because time is precious.
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[09 Jun 2007|02:44am] |
it is always surprising, yet it really shouldn't be, right? people reading this must think i'm weird, but it's true. when you least expect something bad is going to happen cuz so far your life is peaceful with fun and games, but there's a dark corner always waiting for you. I shouldn't be that surprised, honestly cuz i should've seen it coming. i admit my temper isn't great and i am known to be one heck of a hot headed girl, but sometimes you hear ppl talking crap about you and the funniest thing is...what do they really know about you? your first and last name and your appearance? that's really about it, yet others, who are immature are still talking crap. I am not just talking about myself like i'm the only victim cuz i know everyone at one point had felt this too. i wanted to just have a non complicated life like everyone else, but is that really too much to ask for? Does digging up dirt and hurting others is that much fun to not let it pass? i honestly dunnoe cuz i ain't you and i'm damn proud of it. It would be a bit normal for children because they're still naive, although there is still the boundary line of going too far. How old are we? 17 or going to be 17 soon and yet i heard ppl bsing about others. how immature are you? do you know what's it's like for a person to deal with these things? Is it honestly that much fun? How would you like it, if it were you and someone did the exact same thing to you? Of course not, you would complain about it, so why create this to others? Does provoking someone is really that entertaining or do you not have your own life and just rather thrive on ppl's miseries? How can you start to talk bull crap about someone when you heard it from one person only? How is that ethical? Isn't that friggen bias? Perhaps i'm just idealistic, but at least i know i'm not a 4 year old kid whining and crying to spread some damn rumors and insults practically about a stranger! You maybe a pianist and smart enough to be in the honor's role, however, you're still a bratty 4 year old boy, stuck in a 17 year old body. We aren't kids anymore as much as you wish you still are, but we're young adults, so act like one and stop this ridiculous, childish act. Because the only big loser people will see from their own eyes, is just you. So maybe next time you wonder why you can't get a girl or why ppl dislike or hate you and you're still all alone...look in the mirror and you'll find out why, cuz you're a friggen dirt bag. In other words, why should ppl give you respect, if you're the one that is not giving any to others? That's the real difference between you and us, period.
I do not know if all agree, but for myself, i have had it with these types of ppl. If some do not agree with me, that's ok, cuz these are my own ideas and thoughts. But honestly wake up, cuz not everyone is nice enough like me to express it by the internet, since so many others would rather express it by giving you physical pain instead.
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[27 May 2007|12:41am] |
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man o man i hate being sick! my eyes are sore and tired. throat is burning and eating me up almost. i got cankers the size of friggen TEXAS. ok maybe not that big or nasty but OMG it hurts like a #$%#. my headaches are making me cringe ever so often and my nose is plugged like a cork stuck in a wine bottle. oooo but no it gets better too....I HAD TO MISS POTC3 cuz of my DAMN COLD! isn't it brilliant with all this timing and did i mentioned that i have to do a drama performance, where i have to yell and scream in a CATFIGHT?!?! brilliant, eh? just great....SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
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| Realizations |
[29 Apr 2007|05:28pm] |
It had occured to myself yesterday about what i'm really doing to myself. and no i'm not talking about being emo. hell i would never go that far even if something worse would happen. all i know was i was in a way, an ass. and no you guys don't have to say, it happens and all. yes i know that my idea of getting a dog was just to use it to suppress what i'm really feeling for the lost of my friend and it's probably not only me who had thought of the same thing when they lose a precious animal friend, however it was my own decision and no one else to had thought of that selfish idea. i wanted a pet so i don't have to grief for Timbit because i hated to grieve for anything because i can't stand it. There are a lot of things i my head lately like should i let the past go and forgive a person, who was a liar? of course that is my decision and that's that, but sometimes i wonder why am i so mad? i can't concentrate the same way anymore and i'm a lot more isolated from a lot of ppl including my parents. i've talk less at home that's for sure and i feel a bit bitter. yes i'm saying what's seriously in my head and i won't hide it. i rather let ppl know who the hell i am right now than let ppl think i'm some quiet, timid person. I know i'm strong, but this pulled a heavier toll on me than i've ever thought. if i had a choice, sometimes i wish i could see the deceased that i love a lot and most likely forever as well. yeah i know, that's emo, but hell i'm thinking what's in my mind, so whatever. the reason why i'm going to have to heal fast because i don't want anyone to worry me and give me sympathy. i know everyone is being nice, however i don't like the feeling of what ppl thinks like, "oh you poor person and your dog". i know ppl who've said this meant well but to me it feels like i'm a begger on the street and someone saying "oo that person must be hungry" and throws me a coin for food. i dunnoe maybe i'm bitter and to be honest i really dunnoe what i'm doing as if i can't think clearly for a while now. i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings for saying that, honestly i thx you however i just dunnoe anymore. when i feel better ppl will know.
for now, all i can say is. i'm sorry for being an ass. i apologize for being an ass to my parents and for lying about what's really in my head to my friends. i just need A LOT of time for now. but i thx everyone for their support. and yeah i know what i said about the begger thing and saying thx for the support doesn't make sense and seriously nor does it makes sense to me and i'm the one who wrote this. haha. when anyone reads this, do not take this personal. i just have to recollect my thinking, my thoughts, my feelings, and a lot of other crap to grasp on to. so for now thxs everyone and i'm apologize for my decisions.
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| Healing |
[28 Apr 2007|02:50am] |
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i honestly dunnoe what to do with myself anymore. I've become what i am now to hide my real reality. I've been ordering and doing projects and so on to hide this retarded pain. I know, he's just a dog, but he's my best friend and honestly i can't find anyone better than him. i feel like i'm all alone and i'm in a going down a spiral, yet i have to be strong. i need to be strong. i need to be strong for my parents. I don't want to worry others either, but it's hard because i can still feel his presence in my home and in the car and in my neighbour hood. i love him so much, sometimes i wonder if i ever really liked a guy as much as him. lol how said would that be eh? i wonder what he is doing. i actually thought about hanging out with him this weekend too because i have no work so i can be with him, ironically he's never coming back home. i feel lost and i feel like a huge part of me is gone. i know i'll heal because it's me and i know i can move on. it's funny how i mourn for him more than my own grandma. am i bad? I love what i have now though still. I have my parents and my sis and my loyal friends and my supporting relatives. timbit is with my hamster, chubb and he's with my grandma too. i can't ask for anything better for a new family for him and now it's time for me to remember the good times and continue living. As long as i live, he's part of me now and forever and i'll never forget him even when i die. i'm proud to know such a dog, timbit. i love you, boy and i hope you're happy up there. good-bye, my friend.
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[26 Apr 2007|04:48am] |
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My Little Boy
April showers,
May flowers,
Boy, you're my flower.
Sitting at the door,
looking like your are bored,
furrowing your brow,
why so bored?
I see you standing now,
and I'm at the door,
your little tail wagging like a windmill,
singing and barking,
I see your pleading button eyes,
your button nose pointing like a dart,
you see me don't you?
Timbit, my boy,
you want your ice cream cone?
Timbit, my boy,
you want to go play fetch?
Timbit, my boy,
you want a belly rub?
Timbit, my boy,
you want some chicken?
Timbit, my friend,
you want to be with me?
My boy,
I know you're not here,
but you'll always be in here,
here in my heart.
I love you,
I love you,
don't you forget,
for one day,
I'll see you,
and we'll play all day.
Timbit, don't worry,
for you're not alone,
you're with Chubb Chubb and granny,
so now you're in a new family.
Wait for me, boy,
wait for me,
don't you forget me!
I'll be there too,
I'll be there too,
so don't you forget now,
because I'll be there some day!
For now boy,
go and have fun,
be free,
be free,
and I'll see you in Heaven,
so for now,
I'll have to say good-bye,
but don't you forget this,
I'll always will love you,
my boy.
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[04 Mar 2007|09:04pm] |
You're YouReading a magazine, Looking at those girls, Who's just skin and bones, Yet makes a million dollar, And just eating leaves and smoking crack. Walking in the mall, Looking at all those girls, Little girls trying to shave off their fat, And mirrors are only part of their lives. Does it matter? Does it matter that you're wider than those girls Does it matter that you're shorter than the others? Does it really? Hey let yourself go free, And forget those buzzing bees, because you're beautiful, And you're so much more, than those stupid bees. Let them talk, Let them gossip, Let them turn to toothpicks, Because you're so much more. Let your hair go free, go where you want, and chill all day, And don't cry, Don't cry, Because you know, You're so much better than that. Who cares about stupid mirrors? Don't let the bees stop you singing, Don't let the bees stop you wishing, Because I hope you get your dreams. Let those bees fly away, as you glow like the sun, Because you're you. A/N
Anyways yeah I didn't get to write anything for a long time now lol. Basically I'm disturbed about how young girls are acting and dressing like sluts. Honestly it's great to make yourself feel great, but degrading yourself to get boys to notice you is just stupid. You don't need to be stupid to attract guys and honestly speaking for myself since I'm a girl, we're dissing all the girls in this world as ditzy bimbos, which we are not and we're so much more than just girls staying home and doing chores. It's ironic, isn't? Girls and women worked so hard for centuries to be noticed not just as a housewife, but as individuals just like men, yet the younger generation of girls are proving we're not. Pretty stupid, eh?
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[23 Dec 2006|03:59am] |
Too Late
How long will you wait for it to come?
Looking out at the stars,
People said the sky were blue
And flowers were dancing high in the air,
Then why do I see black and white?
Is it too late for you and me?
Water's rising,
Water's rising,
Why is it so high?
Why is the world shrinking?
Can't we do something right now?
Is it really too late for you?
Is it really, really too late for you?
Anyways, yeah as you can see, I was really bored and it's really early in the morning, so I wrote a short song about global warming. To me, it's pretty crappy anyways. This is my way of expressing what I think about global warming. enjoy :)
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[10 Dec 2006|09:17pm] |
Everyday just wondering why something so little was enlarged like this? I kept thinking how this all turned out, though I vowed never to play pranks again, but for one's reaction to be like this is unreasonable. Why choose sides? Does hating another person really solve everything? What do you get out of it at the end? You'll push friends away from you in the end. I thought about if this is the only reason that made you mad or was there something else and what I did triggered you're reaction like this? I do not want others to pick sides and if they want to, they can because I can't force them and I rather just let this go. Why make others' and ours' a life of living hell? Is that really needed? Please look around you and notice that at this rate, you'll lose more than you thought you would had at the beginning. Think about your attitude and reactions to people, before you do or say anything because when this really ends, it's you who'll regret it more than us.
You have already lost several friends already less than 2 weeks and if you keep pushing it, then just look around and realize what you are doing now is no better than what we did or even worse. If the day comes and you actually want to amend this, I would straighten this, but I do not want to go back as we were before, since I know who you really are inside and you have a fake personality on the outside of you. Why am I saying this? I've known you for 5 years, I know that you always have short temper, but I realized that day that it doesn't matter how long you had known your friend for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years or so on because it just takes just one mistake to erupt your volcano. Just remember in life, no friend is an angel or an saint because we're all human, including you. So grow up and wake up before you'll regret what you've been doing to others.
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[28 Nov 2006|01:12am] |
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Liars
Walking along the shore,
All is perfect,
Yet crying as the water,
Sweeping sand on your toes,
Weeping like a fallen angel,
Today you found a liar.
Moments are golden times,
But traitors are sour like limes,
Friends you thought were there,
Are those who were never there,
As gossip buzzes through the air,
Anger fills the air.
Friends are loyal,
Hence they are your friends,
But as they betray,
They are your liars.
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[25 Nov 2006|01:39am] |
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Life
Smell of trees,
Water rushing up your knees,
Birds singing high in the sky,
Sun gazing upon you,
Grass smelling so sweet,
Sky's so blue,
Like a sea of crystal water,
Water dripping from the leaves.
Life smells so sweet.
Children running wildly,
Mothers smiling widely,
Babies crying for mommies,
Eyes shining brightly,
Faces full of grins,
Life looks so sweet.
Laughter in the air,
Fireflys dancing in the night,
Babies gurgling with bubbles coming out,
Daddies singing to their babies,
Spring is full of life,
While fireflys are glowing with full of life,
Life sounds so sweet.
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[24 Nov 2006|07:22pm] |
Who Are Your Real Friends? Faces are faces, that has full of mistakes, running and crying, searching for a light, they are my friends. Running and playing, falling and crying, friends are there, and life tastes sweet. Shiny sweet like golden candy, other faces full of envy, you think life is sweet, but faces are faces, and not all are the same. Mistakes are part of a life, which makes us know, life is short. We can't control it, we can't predict it, but we know to forgive, and to forget, yet some are harder, yet some are softer, but some are grudgers. From a perfect life, enters the fury of Hell, Friends you know, are friends you really don't know, and chosing sides, the shiny sweet golden candy, turns black and sour, and one's question itself, "Who are my real friends?" Now running and running, searching for your light of hope, all is lost, like fire from Hell, but not is all lost, for there are friends, that glow like angels from Heaven. Tears of joy, for not is all lost, and life is like a test, for I found my real friends.
Yeah, I guess this poem might sound harsh, but this is how I really feel. I hope no one is affended by this, but right now, I dunnoe what to think. I know there is no such thing as a grudger, but this is my poem and some are liket that, so yeah. thx for reading. Just seems that..although this mistake I made with Crys, I don't believe without a doubt picking sides and giving the silent treatment is the solution and I find that today it really shows the people you thought you knew is truely like, no matter how close you were.
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[06 Oct 2006|12:07am] |
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Blind - Lifehouse |
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Aww man...ever since I volunteered for VBS and watching the kids at Ontario Place, I've this guy's image in my head. Like this is the first time EVER to happen to me, which is really funny. I talked to him a bit too because he was looking where to line up for the water rides. He was really nice man, even though I spoke to him like maybe 3 minutes, but that was cool lol. He's really cute too and I have really high standards too lol.
He was tanned and sorda like a surfer and a skater guy. You can soo tell he exercises too becuase he's fit but NOT buff. He had like this hemp necklace on too and like sorda wavy gold-brunette hair, which wasn't too long like a surfer. He had freckles too but they really look good on him becuase it made him have a baby face lmao. He had a nice complexion and really REALLY nice eyes. I think his eyes were like hazel, anyways he's cute period. LMAO! Plus he's really nice to his brother and nice in general and just cute lmao.
It's funny how this is the first time I would have a guy's image stuck in my mind for sooo long and my first time seeing a guy like him was in his trunks LMAO!!!
Man I feel stupid writing this like some stupid girl, but he's really cute and I just had to say this all out, so I can feel better XD. Too bad I didn't ask for his name becuase I was nervous lmao. I kinda regretted not asking, since he's in my head now lmao.
Anyways..now that I've said everything, I can finally work properly LOL!
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[02 Oct 2006|11:45pm] |
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OMG!!! FRICK MAN..I want Tuesday to be over now..yet it's not even here yet. omg..2 tests tomorrow!!! One after another...omg omg omg..and wong-ho said that...the bio quiz is gonna take the whole period O_O!!!! I AM GONNA DIE!!! I am tempted to run away right now lmao. Someone SAVE ME!!! GAHH!!! X_X
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[26 Sep 2006|12:02am] |
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Omg, life is sooo boring right now!
Luckily, thx giving day is coming soon...much needed rest. I dunnoe what to do during that time, so if anyone has any ideas, msg me! I want to go shopping and shop for some boots for winter. Yeah, I know how early to go shopping for boots, but it's always fun to hunt them down for fun bargins.
*sigh* Let's see, so far there is nothing to look forward to, except for the university fair during lunch and dt. Hold a sec...this Friday is an assembly..NOOOO!!! that means I have bio for 1 hour?!?! O_O aww crap.
Ever since school started, there's nothing much to right about except school sucks PERIOD!
If anyone has any fun ideas for friday and the weekends, msg because I'm gonna be stuck at home as usual.
Gonna watch some good old television lol.
Later!
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[20 Sep 2006|06:55pm] |
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Aww man, today at school seem to drag soo long, even though it was only a half day. Then we had to wait for the bus for like half hour outside and it was cold too. Stupid ttc busses T_T. Yeah, Crystal and I went to Tim Hortons and omg..I was home :D! I love the coffee smell when you first step in there!!! I am such a caffeine addict man lol. uh oh...not good lol. Yeah, I got a medium size french vinilla and I was drinking it like crazy man, soo goood!!!! Then..I thought I'll get a medium size coffee for my folks and when I sat back down, employees from T&T were like, "Wow! Look at that girl, she just bought 2 medium sized coffees! INSANE!!!" in Chinese. LMAO!!! Yeah, I guess anyone would find me crazy having 2 cups of coffee...but it's soo good mmm. Way better than beer any day LOL!! I think I might get some more tomorrow...after school...hmmm. LOL!! Oh crap, I won't be able to sleep today!! I feel weird...LOL!
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[15 Sep 2006|09:32pm] |
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Move Along - All American Rejects |
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Aww man, I am so bored! So far school was alright, although I messed up on my Spanish listening quizzes. Nothing much really happened, but wow I don't feel like I am in gr11 at all! It's like a mistake that I should be in gr10 instead. I like all my teachers though, which is hilarious. The only thing I got peeved was this dude asking for my name as a jk to raise up my hopes, but he was a bad liar. lol. Anyways, I'm gonna go and day dream again and listen to music, while I am at it lol. Does anyone have plans because I want to go to the university fair :).
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| Sleep overs |
[26 Aug 2006|11:07pm] |
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Haha! Aww man, yesterday Mel and I had a sleep over at Crystal's place and man was it fun! I enjoyed it a lot and we had a lot of food, such as pizzas, chicken wings, garlic bread, pop drinks, and my sponge cake. It was awesome man.Although, Belinda was supposed to come, but we might have another sleep over, so maybe she can come then! We played Cranium and Clues. I realized just last night that I suck at those games except for drawing or making things lol. We watched Xmen2 and everyone feel asleep except I was glued to the screen, yet I felt my eyes failing on me( Like I said before, I am a comic fan lol). At the end of the movie we were about to sleep, but then Crys mentioned about beer, which we had only 1 bottle of beer. We were bored and being the crazy one out of the group, I double dared Crys. I swear beer smells like old Chinese remedy. Crys went first (hehe) and she said it was ok, so I tried it. I tilted the bottle too much, so the beer just poured into my mouth. Although it was supposed to be a sip, it was a bit more than a sip lol, then Crys took the bottle again and took another sip and I was grossed out. lol. It tasted like grape juice that went bad or something similar like that. Mel was laughing her ass off, while watching us lol. At the end I took another sip but more than last time and that was sooo (and I am NOT exaggerating this) NASTY!!!! I swear after the beer with both of us having only 2 sips, we couldn't shut up! We just kept talking and talking like crazy for like 2-3hrs straight and it was like 6:30 am!!!! Mel fell into a slumber, but we couldn't sleep and I had taekwon-do the in 5 hours!!! At the end we fell asleep and I went to taekwon-do. I swear I was doing the techniques in my sleep becuase I would mess up and be yawning lol.
When I think of beer, it reminds me of redbull, but we didn't get high, although, it caused us unable to sleep till almost 7, I think.. lol. Beer is gross though because it tastes really bad and everytime I took a sip, it made me reminded me about teachers at school with beer bellies and that just turned me off. LOL!!!.
But yes, to the younger viewers...DO NOT DRINK!!!! I admit...I was not a role model at all for drinking beer, but wth...I was never a good role model to begin with LOL!!!
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| Shopping...and bimbos |
[23 Aug 2006|11:51pm] |
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Today, I went to the mall and aww man it was sweet. I know I like to do guy stuff, but I'm still a girl, so a girl needs to shop once in a while still right? It's a normal thing for a girl to go shopping, even if i'm more boy-ish lol. I didn't know who to go with, so I went with my mom and shopped at Markville mall. It was fun and went to every shop almost in the mall. I tried on this black vest that's almost like a bomber, but not really like a bomber at the sametime. I thought it looked cool on me. The annoying part of every shopper was that with tax included, then the vest would cost around 50$, which is a lot, since it just arrived. I felt sad about it, yet I went on and shopped else where. At the end of my shopping, my mom said she wouldn't mind buying it for me, so we went back to JCX to buy that vest. However, there were 2 blonde college girls, who were eyeing on the exact same vest as mine! I waited patiently for those girls would move on. One of the girls liking the vest took off her hands, so the vest was free for the taking! For any shopper, you always take your chances and that's exactly what I did. I took the vest and I was trying it on. The girls realized that I took the last small left and the girl who took her hands off the vest was pissed. (Girls are scary, even though I am one too. LOL) The blonde said, "Just my luck!" and out loud too.
Her friend said, "Too bad, it woulda looked good on you."
She said, "Yeah, I wanted to try on the black one!" She said that, while giving me a glare and sort of pointing towards me. I was trying on the vest in front of the mirror and of course I was annoyed. I originally going to buy this vest and that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do!
So I told my mom, "I'll take it." Of course, that pissed the girl even more than before. (Now that I think about it, I might had sounded like some snob...but hell it was fun just to piss that girl HAHA.)
But seriously, she could had asked the people to get her a small too from the back of the store, since it was a new arrival, yet she didn't so it was HER fault! So yeah, I thought in my head about how "she is a bimbo man....yeesh just go ask..that's why they are hired to do..duh!" Heh heh her loss. But of course I felt bad, but with her attitude that just changed everything.
Anyways I am cold right now, so I think I'll try on my new vest lol. later!
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| The Warm Summer Breeze |
[22 Aug 2006|04:53am] |
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mood |
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bored |
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The Warm Summer Breeze
The warm summer breeze,
Grazing on your cheeks,
A big bright sun,
grinning high above.
Morning is here,
Opening your eyes,
Opening your window,
The warm summer breeze,
cascading down your cheeks.
Upon this new day,
Your friend comes over and play.
Singing and laughing,
Gaming and cheering,
Sleeping and snoring,
Summer fun will never be ending.
Although summer comes and goes,
It's never sad,
For summer will come again,
and embraces you,
In it's warm summer breeze.
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| Thoughts part 2 |
[18 Aug 2006|08:51pm] |
Have you ever thought about why you do things when you were told, yet you don't want to but you still go for it? I do. For 16 years of my life, I've been going and visiting my grandparents all the time. Before recenting this idea, I liked visiting them, but I was foolish because I was soo naive. As a kid, I enjoyed fairy tales and reading stories with a happy ending and dreamed about it as well. I kept believing so until I realized that my folks never loved me.
Heh, I know it sounds cruel to say that, but I know they do. They compare me to my sister and a lot of things. For example, "Why couldn't you be like your sister and always with your mom?" You could say that I was hurt and my folks heard it too and were angry about it. My mom asked if I was affected by my grandma's comment. I never thought about it becuase I was still a child, but now it sunk deep in my mind. It would be a lie, if my mom asked me again about that quote. The funny thing is I still remember the exact place the exact day and time, when my grandma said that. I tried to be nice and I knew for a while that I was never their favourite, so I tried being helpful, the cheerful grandaughter that they would love. At that time, my grandpa went to get his car for my grandma because she had a stroke before couple years back, so I was helping her and watching over her and as an award, she said one thing that hurt me the most and that was I was never good enough for them. I am not jealous of my sister at all becuase she has to go through the troubles and pressure from my grandparents too.
When I got mugged after school at 5:25pm at December 17, 2004 and several months later my sister had a hair-line fracture on her arm. Mean while my grandparents came back around the time she injured her arm and were so worried about her and kept asking questions, while I just sat beside my sister like a wallpaper, camouflaged to the background. I thought maybe they ask about how I was doing because it was the first time I saw them, since my "incident", but all the words that came out of their mouths were never directed to me. I did know that I won't expect much from my grandparents, but I thought maybe just one question would be asking about how my well being was, yet they never did. That night, it stung me hard, although I never told my folks or my sis because I didn't want them to be mad at them or cause any troubles cause of I. But I'm a bit used to this attitude from my grandparents towards I because I endured it for so long, so it's normal for myself.
I was quiet as a kid about my grandparents, but now I can't hold it in anymore. For 16 years of my life, I had never lashed out my anger and my bitterness out before. I would be stuck in my room for a long time just listening to music and thinking about it, which hurt myself even more. I didn't want my parents' pity for I or from my sister. I hate my grandparents a lot now because their love is only unconditional love. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, that's how it was for my grandparents. If I go to a university they want me to go because of the name, they'll buy me gifts and be soo happy, but if I disagree with their ideas there will be an arguement and they'll hate me. It's been done before and I witnessed it before many times during my life. If I was to tell other people about this, even my relatives, they'll only pity me and won't understand. I hate them for making my parents argue all the time and make my family have so many conflicts with each other. Perhaps that's why I am a rebel out of the family. My grandparents wants I to be more of a girl, but I refuse to. I refuse their gifts like skirts and dresses because I don't want to be someone that pleases them. It's truely a bummer to face the facts that they are your grandparents and you must respect them, but how can I?
They only started to reconize me, since my dad had an arguement with them because they never called or check on me if I was alright when I was beat up. Instead my grandpa's excuse was, "Why should I call?! If you never called your mother to wish her a happy birthday!" That was a stupid excuse because we did, but he denied it and kept lying even more. I heard my dad yelling on the phone that morning because I woke up from the noise and I listened to every word my dad said and it felt like a knife stabbing my heart. I never told my parents about this, but I cried when i heard it. Ever since that particular morning, my grandparents were nicer to me, but they would be nice to my sister first than me. It's like that all the time. I envy other people when they respect and could connect with their grandparents. But I hate my grandparents and I hate how every Friday that I have to go eat dinner with them, when my parents hates eating with them as well. We only do this because to save us from another arguement from my grandpa. It's like we are forced to do something that we know is wrong. All the time we come home after dinner with them, my parents are frustrated and yelling again. I sometimes get mad at my parents because if we hate them, why do we have to see them every Friday?!?! People I know doesn't visit their parents or grandparents all the time and they still love them no matter what, but we dislike them to the point we hate them, so why?!?! What will my parents and I gain for visiting every Friday night? For what? To save our skin?!?! Not to make my grandparents mad!?!?! If they hate us already, then why the hell should we even visit?!?!
Maybe I am being selfish, but I swear everytime I think about my grandparents, it's very stressful for me like my energy is being drained from me. My heart seriously hurts a lot each time I think about my elders like a heavy brick wall collapsing on top on my heart and I try not to cry even writing this journal entry, but in doing so, my throat feels like a snake is constricting my throat that I can't breath. I can't even tell, if they are really worried and loving me or they are just acting, so my parents won't have another conflict with them. Maybe that's why my parents are over protective of me especially.
I do feel that my sister is very lucky that she lives out of the house. I can't wait till I get away from here too. Although I wish there would be a happy ending like those fairy tales, I don't believe that would ever happen with my grandparents because this is the real world and not some princess's and fairies' world. Maybe that's why I read stories, comics, manga and so on because it seems so nice. Although this entry seems to be a bit too private, I can't keep it in me like this anymore. For my friends this might be a bit shocking because I never expose this out to people, but it's soo tiring to hold it for so long. Till then, I could only dream of that happy family and get out of this house and this life with my grandparents because running away seems like the best answer for now.
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[11 Aug 2006|12:59am] |
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| Piercings |
[10 Aug 2006|06:46pm] |
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 creative |
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Everything-Lifehouse |
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Aww man, yesterday was crazy man. ok even though it's just piercing my ears...but to me that is big. My very own first piercing. I clenched my fist sooo tight that they were sweating like an ice block melting in a hot weather. I know, eh?...soo sad manm, I mean a teenager was freaked out by a needle and never had a piercing before, while other girls already had their's since a toddler, but everyone has their own fears, so whatever.
When the first needle went through my ear, it felt like a five star slap on the thigh man. Ok, I exaggerated, but it was a bit more than a pinch and guess what? After my ears are healed fully, I want to get maybe more piercings on my ear. I think i might enjoy it more than before too, but I still dislike facial and body piercings, so that is out of the question. I think I want to get 1 more on my right ear, 2 more on my left ear, and maybe..if I am daring enough, I'll get one on my right ear's cartilage and no more piercings ever man.
I guess the reason why I decided with piercings was because I dislike how people from my family and school would tell others that I was the cute, little innocent girl from Toronto. I mean...thx for the compliments but all my life people always said that and even now when I am a teenager, they still say I am the innocent. I mean nothing is wrong with being innocent...but being reminded you are your whole life, it gets annoying. I just want an edge, you know? Like...out of that little girl phase and HELLO WORLD!!! Plus, I always wanted a cartilage piercing as a pre-teen, but I was scared of the pain, and the response from my folks, yet some of my friends said it doesn't hurt that much and I realized, the pain can't be that much as what I went through right? Although my mom didn't support me with the cartilage idea, I really don't care because it's my ear and I think I will get one in the future...like maybe next year, when I get my summer job, or even this year and just use my birthday money. Aww man, I think I am starting to really REALLY REALLY like piercings on the ears. hehehe
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anti_fob's journal